#12

It's not black. It's not white. It's all the colors in between....And rollerskates.

Music is release. It is energy. It is catharsis. These are reoccurring themes in music I have touched upon in pretty much every issue of 5SIAR since its inception. I think we can all agree that music feeds the soul. It is there when people dig their nails into your personal well-being for the sake of pushing their views on to you. Yes, we all have different tastes and it ultimately boils down to what we like and dislike. And that goes for everything in life. But this doesn't mean that we can't all get along. Aside from being human we all have common ground in something and that something is usually art related. We sit around a table with our comrades in polite, yet sometimes heated, discussion about what artists we consider ear-worthy at the time. We have different views and opinions, but they are neither right nor wrong. The gray area is called our voice. Our own personal take on what the music says to us and how we feel about it. And such is the case for the rest of the issues we face in today's world. But I'm not here to present a political or religious agenda via my blog. I'm here to talk about the music and how it may or may not relate to that agenda. An agenda that's unfortunately cutting not just America, but the world in two.

But, for this issue I say fuck all that noise and instead talk about my fear of rollerskating. A friend suggested to me that I should make a 5SIAR with the five songs I'd rather listen to than have wheels under my feet; So here we go!

"I'm Gonna Be (500 Miles)" - The Proclaimers

I'm Gonna Be [500 Miles] - The...

Amongst the countless other things I'd rather do than go rollerskating (chew on broken glass, go to a NASCAR race, eat brussel sprouts...the list goes on), I would rather listen to five unbearably awful songs that I despise and would never otherwise bring myself to the point of actually listening to them. Listening to these songs, in my opinion, could be considered torture and in my case they usually are. Other people may have a different view of how bad these testaments to the flaws of human-kind are, but for me, they are some of the most abhorrent and god-awful songs to have stuck in your head at any given time. They are, however, the gems I would gladly (and proudly) jam out to rather than strapping skates to my feet only to hang on to the walls of the rink with a white knuckle grip and cold sweat while fighting back a major coronary.

First on the list is a suggestion by a friend that hit the nail right on the head with this diddy. I wholeheartedly agree that "I'm Gonna Be (500 Miles)" has got to be one of the most annoying tunes to have stuck in your head. What makes the song worse is that once it's in your head it doesn't leave. It gets comfy and starts sleeping on your mental couch without even chipping in for rent or beer. These Scottish identical twins of torment struck it big in the U.S. when the song was included on the Benny & Joon soundtrack. To this day I have never seen that movie because of this. Any chance to not hear that song played is a chance worth taking. I even remember being younger, watching MTV, and scrambling for the remote to change the channel as soon as I saw the video come on. Yes, my hate for this song runs deep. Still, I would gladly pay the 99 cents on iTunes, throw it on my iPod, and listen to it on repeat before I would even consider rollerskating again.

I never understood how people could have a phobia and why they would freak out so much about it, but now I do. All of this stemmed from being at a friend's 25th birthday party recently which was held at a skating rink. I wanted to be able to join the rest of my friends as they were enjoying themselves, but alas my fear got the best of me. I did make some kind of breakthrough by making it around the rink at least once, but I'm not sure if I can count that considering I was hanging on to the wall the entire time. It was my own personal hell. The party was still awesome though and so were all my friends giving me the courage to make it around.


"Rollin' (Air Raid Vehicle)" - Limp Bizkit

Rollin' (Air Raid Vehicle) - L...

This song should be number one on the list, but I like to keep at least some of the randomness 5SIAR is all about. Limp Bizkit, and all their songs, pretty much sum up the latter part of a generation that was built on the music MTV served up as the staple of their rock portion of the channel. While we were succumbing to the N'Sync's and the Master P's of the era, bands like Korn and Staind became the relief for the former grunge junkies that were now turned Ozzfest fanatics. OK, in high school Korn's self-titled was a good jam for the times. Staind's first album, also decent for the musically uneducated at the time. There were also a slew of others including Sevendust, Coal Chamber, Incubus, System Of A Down that all made up this conglomerate of alternative metal that was now being called "nu-metal". It was a dark time for music indeed and it got even darker when Korn started inspiring another spin-off of the alternative music drowning the airwaves. It was the joining of rap and rock that sent the mainstream over the edge and into a pit of embarrassment and mud made from the tears of Nirvana fans. And it was Limp Bizkit that was the flagship that was to take us all there.

The year was 1997. Clinton was in office. People had jobs and places to live. The economy was about to enter a boom when something called the internet was to become something more than hearing "Welcome. You've got mail!" Things were pretty much badass compared to the constant shit storm nightmare we live in now. It was this same year that I graduated high school and during that summer some friends from work and I made the journey to Orlando for Ozzfest '97. The only reason, and I do mean the ONLY reason I really wanted to go was because Tool was playing. My parents had forbidden me to go see them on their Aenima tour a year earlier and it started becoming a reality that their oldest son was growing up and had the ability to go to shows by himself without the supervision of an adult. They eventually caved after a few mild arguments about how I wasn't a kid anymore. I guess they had every reason to be because Ozzfest '97 wound up being the first show I smoked pot. This was also the first time I was to experience Limp Bizkit, but unfortunately not my last. A few years down the road my girlfriend at the time wanted to go to a show of theirs, and I being the nice boyfriend, bought tickets to go. Sigh. It truly was a testament to my lack of wisdom and overabundance of complacency at the time.

I don't know what possessed me to buy their first album in the first place. Oh, wait, I know. I got suckered in just like everyone else did with their cover of George Micheal's "Faith". Looking back I consider my musical taste as the somewhat equivalent of what it must've been like to live in the dark ages. Yes, my friends, there was a time I bought and listened to Three Dollar Bill Ya'lls and Significant Other (typing that made me cringe). Luckily, in 2000, I was saved before I was to be forever lost in an ocean of hot dog water and chocolate starfish. My savior came in the form of albums like Kid A, Vespertine, and eventually Is This It and White Blood Cells. And I never looked back. I don't need to explain why "Rollin'" is a bad song. It pretty much speaks for itself. Just know that I would easily choose it over a fall on my ass that might cause permanent tailbone trauma.


"I'll Be There For You" - The Rembrandts

I'll Be There For You - The Re...

Hundreds of Rachel's walking around. Ma and Pa coffee shops popping up on every corner only to be abandoned years later and ironically turned into Starbucks. Millions of people around the globe gripping their loveseat and lattes in hopes that Ross and Rachel would finally get together. This was the reality we were all living in 1995 when this theme song turned big hit wrapped its mouth around the masses and swallowed them whole. This is the first time in history a television theme song reached #1 on the Billboard charts. What was worse was that it stayed there for several weeks. Every Thursday night America had this song shoved down its throat. The super poppy and uplifting lyrics defined what Friends was all about. People hated it, well, at least the people I knew hated it. And after a few seasons of it being on I started to see more and more of my friends change sides and become fans of the show. It was almost as if they had a case of Stockholm Syndrome.

You couldn't go anywhere without hearing someone talk about Friends. It became the Cheers of our generation and it may even surpass Cheers' record for longest syndicated television show. I can't look through the cable guide between the hours of 5 and 7pm without seeing at least one station broadcasting an episode. And with that episode comes another play of the song. Multiply that by the number of television stations in the U.S. Now multiply that number by how many episodes those stations play every day. That's a shitload of times "I'll Be There For You" is played in a given week. Now, all of that is dependent on whether or not the station plays enough of the song during the intro to pay royalties...I think. Correct me if I'm wrong here guys, but I'm right then The Rembrandts are living large. Like, Jay-Z's diamonds large. Like, Dirk Diggler large. Like, population of China large. You get the picture.

Because of a show a band is set for life off a song they didn't even write. And because of a song we had to listen to people in our offices say something like "I'm such a Monica, you're definitely a Phoebe" every Friday around the coffee maker. People went out and bought that Rembrandts album thinking that it was going to be great. I wonder how many of those people were disappointed by it or, to this day, still touts that it's the best album ever made. Are those people out there? Do they exist? If they do, I'd love to meet them. I'd also love to meet a die hard Proclaimers fan too. I also can't help but wonder that what if iTunes was around back then would "I'll Be There For You" outsell The Jonas Brothers and Miley Cyrus? The world may never know the answers to these questions and scholars will be theorizing for years to come. I know I will.


"There Is A Light That Never Goes Out" - The Smiths

There Is A Light That Never Go...

This isn't a bad song. In fact, it's a great one. One of the best ever, actually. It's obviously far beyond all three previous tracks written about on here. So why is it here you ask? Well, this issue isn't just strictly bad songs I'd rather listen to than go skating. I like randomness and I seem to thrive on inconsistency, and since I just got home from seeing 500 Days Of Summer I figured I'd include it on the list. I like throwing curveballs, but it's funny how I don't like curveballs thrown at me. And that movie, suffice it to say, was a Nolan Ryan, right over the left edge of the plate, swinging at air, strike three you're out curveball. The movie was real and that's what made it great and it's also what made it depressing. But depressing movies happen. So do depressing songs. Rollerskating, however, does not in my book. So I will gladly take the heart wrenching pill called the bitterness of reality as opposed to, again, skating.

The song is not so much bad as it is painful. But then again, does it really matter? This won't stop a person from listening to a song. All the songs that are ex's, or friends that have passed on, or that summer you spent in Europe and fell in love, all of these moments in time become one mixtape after another that collect the dust of years gone by. That is until it is picked back up again. You get drawn back to that moment for better or for worse. Life is not a box of chocolates; It is a shoebox full of plastic and magnet with two sides- Comedy and tragedy.

I don't know; maybe physical bruises from falling down on varnished concrete are more bearable than the bruises left on ones soul from life's disappointments? No, I take that back. I'd much rather spend a night with a six pack in my stomach than an ice bag on my knee.


Any song ever recorded and/or performed by Insane Clown Posse

Great Milenko - Insane Clown P...

I'll wrap up this issue with nothing more than a mention of the duo named Insane Clown Posse; anything more would be giving them more space than they deserve. I don't see how people can like their music. Ugh, music. Can I even call it that? It's the most talentless shit I think I've ever heard. I know, some people would disagree. There are people out there that are the die hardest of the die hard of fans, so who am I to judge? These "Juggalos", I've found, are usually some of the most unintelligent people I've ever met in my life. That's why I can judge, because you, the ICP fan, are what's wrong with America. You and every other "ain't America great", IQ of 30, yokel from here to Alaska that thinks shitty music is good. What, you need someone with makeup on or a mask to tell you how it is? How about this: take off your face paint, burn your ICP CDs, and wake up and go buy Springsteen's The River. Then you might have some kind of idea how real life was and still is according to a recording artist. Not from two jackasses in clown makeup. How much do you want to bet that Fred Durst is secretly a Juggalo. That would explain a lot, I think.

I take it back. I'd rather rollerskate and incur and risk bodily harm than listen to an ICP song. Bring on the pain and embarrassment!