I'm Treading. I'm Treading. I'm Sinking. I'm Treading.
I'm treading water and trying to stay afloat. So says the book Not Quite Adults: Why 20-Somethings Are Choosing a Slower Path To Adulthood, and Why That's Good For Everyone. After reading the introduction, in which the authors described my haste into adulthood by having children and therefore skipping education as treading water, I don't feel as miserable about my situation as I once did. Sure, I'm not in as good as shape as most of my other peers, but now I know I'm not alone in my faults. I shouldn't really call them faults, however, that word makes me feel like a failed at something, which I don't feel like I have. Mishandling would be a better term for the arms I'm using to keep my head above the water. More often than not I've let my appendages get too tired to the point of sinking. I drown for a bit, and then I rise back to the top only to return to my previous state of treading. I should be concentrating on swimming. I should be concentrating on studying for that next Anatomy test and working on that 10 page paper for Ethics (which I'm not looking forward to). I should be concentrating on my hobbies. For instance, this blog and my fascination with music.
It's so easy to be lazy though. But even being lazy has its rewards. We all need a break every now and then to maintain our sanity and to propel us forward. We just can't let that break turn into the rest of our lives. As I get older I've found that I can't stay stagnant. If I sit too long in one spot my anxiety level shoots through the roof as if my neurotransmitters are playing that Strong Man game at a carnival. You know, the one with the giant Gallagher-esque mallet used to pound a piece of metal up a scale to see how "man" you are. The game is rigged, as is most of my body is as well. But that's just an excuse.
Speaking of excuses, I've been trying not create any for the reason why I haven't updated 5SIAR as much as I should. Actually, I've been trying to not make excuses for a lot of other miscues as well. A friend of mine stated recently that she's "fucking done with making excuses for not ruling." I might be paraphrasing a bit, but that was the gist of it. She also said that she's getting back to basics. Simplifying. Trimming the fat to allow for the maximum experience out of life. And she's right because we only get one shot at this (multiple if you're Hindu, I guess). We shouldn't be wasting time, or making excuses, or exhausting ourselves with the endeavors our parents set out for us. Our world is not their world and therefore their plans are not our plans. We're not dead yet. It's not, as Vonnegut said "so it goes", but more like "so it rules."
Here are five songs I've chosen as being the ones that will help me to swim.
This song popped into my head yesterday as I was washing my car. I don't know what I was thinking when I suddenly started humming the verse "My friends, my habits, my family, they mean so much to me." It hadn't even dawned on me yet that I'd be writing a new 5SIAR. That came to me as I began to read the introduction to the aforementioned book in the first paragraph. It immediately made me think of yesterday. Scrubbing my car to get all the pollen off. A heavy breeze destroying the piles of leaves my brother had raked earlier in the day, or perhaps week. The almost meditative silence that made me want to break out the boom box and attempt to find a decent radio station to listen to. But since there aren't any decent radio stations to listen to I was left with my own inner voice. Which, as luck would have it, started to sound like Isaac Brock.
Modest Mouse makes for a good soundtrack to being in my late 20s and early 30s. Cursive would be another good choice. During my attendance of a recent Cursive show frontman Tim Kasher explained between songs and sips of whiskey that he's made a decent career out of writing about his failed relationships and social-awkwardness. That's what we all need - an outlet. Something we enjoy doing and can also survive on. Something that doesn't involve a cubicle and does involve being outdoors and appreciating life a bit more. Our generation needs more breathing room than our parents did. I plan on reading Not Quite Adults in its entirety to find out why.
I'm still trying to grasp and understand why "One Chance" started reciting itself in my head. My memory could've picked any song from any album from any band. Why this one at that specific time? I think that there are always bands that become period pieces on your iPod. You equate that music to the feelings you had during that time. I think Modest Mouse is the closest approximation to mine right now. Maybe that's why it appeared in my memory. My subconscious decided that Good News For People Who Love Bad News was relevant to what needed to be said to my conscious brain. That my friends, habits, and family will always be there when I need them and that I need to cut more of that "Mad Max bullshit" out of my life to make it less stressful.
The line "And nothing comforts me the same as my brave friend who says 'I don't care if forever never comes'" takes me back to the intro of Not Quite Adults again. The authors mention that we are relying less on our significant others (if we have one) and more on our family and friends to help cope with the problems our generation is facing. So many young adults are realizing that it's too difficult to maintain a relationship while trying to find their place in life. We aren't our parents. We can't just graduate college and immediately find a job, get married, and have kids. It seems as if when we do try to do that we fail. So why do we keep doing it? One word: hormones. Our physiology seems to want to control our anatomy. The chemicals in our bodies want to rule us. There's one specific culprit - oxytocin - though it is still unclear how much of a role it plays in sexual behavior. Yes, men have it too, but in smaller amounts.
That teenage feeling may be caused by the release of oxytocin into the bloodstream during sexual arousal. I think most of our problems come from an addiction to our own hormones. It'd be nice to kick the habit cold turkey and not have to worry about "feelings" anymore, but we can't. We're stuck with this chemical that gets released from our pituitary gland and travels through our veins whenever we're attracted to someone. It also plays a part in increasing trust. However, according to this article from the NY Times, that trust is not for everyone. We have in-groups and out-groups and right now it seems as if our in-group has become our friends and family and our out-group are our husbands, wives, boyfriends, and girlfriends. I know this doesn't apply to everyone. But it does for my immediate friend group. The doctor who did the research stated that "when people get together with others who share their values, that drives up the level of oxytocin." So true because I don't know what I'd do without my friends. They are the ones I want on my side from now till death. They have become one of the most important things in my life.
I need to come to terms that the forever Neko is talking about may not come. I'm getting closer. It'd be easier if my physiology had a control panel. Some kind of interface that would allow me to choose which chemicals I want my body producing at a certain time.
"Okay, today I want serotonin, dopamine, some endorphins, and maybe a little extra epinephrine so I won't need to drink three cups of coffee to stay awake at work."
And yes, in the future, someone will make an app for that.
Self-explanatory.
I've chosen an xx track not for what the song means or how it makes me feel, but because of the production value of it. I've become obsessed lately with anything that has Jamie Smith's (aka Jamie xx) name stamped on it. From his main project The xx to his DJ sets that I have been trying to seek out on the internet, to his newest release We're New Here - the remix of Gil-Scott Heron's 2010 album I'm New Here. To say I'm fascinated with his work would be an understatement. It's not even that stylistic or ground-breaking. But it is definitely minimalist, and that's something I can get behind seeing as how I have been striving for the same kind of philosophy in regards to my life.
Earlier in this post I touched upon trimming the fat. Discarding what isn't needed to survive. I'm sure everyone has watched or least heard of that show Hoarders, right? Sometimes I feel like I hoard too much in my life. I'm not talking about tangible objects, but the things no one can see. The trash in my brain that needs to be taken out to the curb once and for all. This, to me, is a huge chunk of fat that needs to go away. I'd have someone help me carry it all out, but therapists are expensive and my insurance sucks.
I now know that the key to not having stress is to lead the most simple life as possible. I don't need much to be happy and a xx song doesn't need much to be great. So as I listen to the songs on this album they give me ideas on how to only include what is most beneficial to my day to day grind. I only need soft vocals, one reverberated guitar with no distortion, one bass with minimal distortion, a few electronic drum beats, and maybe a handful of synth patches. In my quest to live this kind of life I have renewed my interest in making music. The goal is to put two and two together to make something to share with everyone else. It'll be my version of preventative medicine. Bear with me.
I decided to make a Top 5 Most Listened To Albums list. I've thought of three so far. PJ Harvey's Stories From The City, Stories From The Sea. Middle Cyclone from Neko Case and this album, Teen Dream from Beach House. It makes me wonder if the other two spots will be filled with female singers. It also makes me think of the Seinfeld episode with Mel Torme where Elaine asked Jerry if he wants to go to the benefit Mel is singing at. To which Jerry replies, "I can't watch a man sing a song. They get all emotional, they sway. It's embarrassing." I can relate.
I wish I knew why this song has been stuck in my head. It moved in around the beginning of February and started sleeping on the couch. It's quiet at night and allows me to sleep, but during the day it won't stop repeating itself. Actually listening to it doesn't make it stop either. I don't even know what or who Victoria is singing about. It doesn't really matter because it's not the lyrics but the music that keeps looping over and over. I'm not the type of music listener that tries to find the meaning it had for the writer anyway. I only care about its meaning to me. Is that wrong?
The piece of "Zebra" that keeps repeating is the intro. The guitar riff is so bright and low-key but with an aggressive kind of force that orders you to stay still when it begins to play. Accurate in the sense that it doesn't aim to kill, but to maim so that each time it plays it makes you lose a little bit more of yourself. Now that I think about it, the entire album is like that. Teen Dream drags you out to sea and then brings you back to shore with some parts missing, but with so much more given back. It's like the tides. Okay now I'm starting to sound like an old Grateful Dead fan that's still on an acid trip. Next paragraph.
"Zebra" and the rest of Teen Dream won't go away no matter how many times I listen, which is kind of comforting. It's always there like a friend. A faithful companion. A partner in crime. The reason and answer to problems. It's been a long time since I've considered an album to have that big of an impression on me. It's all the things in life. The things I have and can't have. It's a reminder that even though people come and go I will always have this music to make me think of that self-realization. It makes me feel safe. Reassured. My feet up at home while having a cup of tea and reading a new book. Having picnics. Being there for my daughters. Swimming.
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